Wednesday, February 10, 2010

You must be this tall to ride this roller coaster....

Ok, it's just about 4 AM. I've been up since 3. It's taken me nearly a week to digest my last visit to the surgeon to be able to actually write something about it. Hopefully, getting it down in words will get me to a point that I can actually sleep an entire night, or perhaps even sleep an entire night in my bed. Some nights I have to go try the couch because my back hurts or my head hurts or my stomach hurts.

Stress sucks!

We went to Stanford to see my surgeon as directed by my oncologist. We went taking with us great news about the negative results that had been obtained on my last liver biopsy. After a few meaningless words between the three of us, the surgeon stated his verdict. "You have cancer and there's nothing I can do surgically to extend your life. Don't get me wrong, I like to cut, it's what I do for a living, but there's nothing I can do for you."

Huh?! My biopsy came back negative, doesn't that mean something? His answer was, "none of the samples were diagnostic." Well... let me tell you... the first 2 were not diagnostic but the third one was. The third sample taken was reviewed by a number of doctors and was determined to be negative. But the surgeon had determined that based on my high marker and my last CT scan that I have cancer... no ifs ands or buts.

While I trust my surgeon with my life and truly think that he is a master in his craft... I think I'll stick with my oncologist and multiple reviewers of the "spot" discovered in my CT scan that was biopsied to be negative. Hopefully, going with the majority will at least help me keep my attitude right.

I made a phone call to Cancer Centers of America. I'll be working with them a bit soon, perhaps even flying out to there place in Arizona for a third opinion. We're working on that now.

I'm tired. Mentally, I'm beat. Physically, I hurt. Emotionally, I'm a wreck inside.

Today calls for sun and warm weather. I'm going to go to the park and find a spot near the creek with some sun, some water running over the rocks and try to empty my brain.

1 comment:

  1. Wow Stan - I'm soooo glad I ran into you at Barnes and Noble. Your candor about cancer and what you are going through is an incredible, inspiring statement of your spirit. I have no doubt that people (including myself!) will be moved and changed as a result of your journey. Thank you for being so honest with your emotions. Holly Taylor