Saturday, February 27, 2010

Neutral Ground

Well... there's lots of stuff coming up in the next month.

I'm going to meet with a therapist next week to discuss this "blue period" that I've been dealing with. My thoughts are that I'll be meeting a complete stranger to discuss what's going on in my life. As funny as that sounds, I'll be on neutral ground... that is... I won't feel like I have to watch each word I speak in order to not offend or hurt a friend or loved one. I have more friends ready to hear me out than I can count, but I always feel as though I have to be the tough guy. I know that's not how it is, but that's how it is... does that make sense? Welcome to my current mental state ;-)

Tummy cam is next week.

I meet with my oncologist the week after that, and hopefully with results from the endoscopic ultrasound biopsy I'll at least have information in order to again begin making decisions. Not knowing is the worst.

At the end of the month its out to Chicago to meet the Cancer Treatment Centers of America. They will at least provide me a tie breaker to the surgeon's "you're doomed" and the oncologists "we're not entirely sure". Again, knowledge is power... being able to make a freakin decision is even more power.

I've been walking my fanny off. I've been floating around 200 pounds for the last week. That's an 11 pound loss over 3 weeks time. I was getting nervous there for a while about the weight loss, but holding at 200 I can deal with.

My back is killing me. I need to make another visit to my chiropractor in the near future.


Thursday, February 25, 2010

Another "tummy cam"

Next week I am scheduled for an Endocscopic Ultrasound Biopsy. How they're going to get to the area where my newest "spot" is is beyond me, but I guess they're going to try.

I'm not getting a lot of communication from Stanford other than staff members calling to schedule the procedure. I haven't even met the doctor that's going to perform the procedure.

I think my relationship with Stanford may be drawing to a close soon.

I've had a cold for nearly a week. My back is still thrashed. I've had a case of the blahs for about 3 days now. My family physician is having trouble getting documents completed for me in a timely manner. I can't even drink a beer without it hurting... literally.

*sigh*

Maybe I'll just go eat some worms?

Friday, February 19, 2010

Green??

I'm not so sure about the green template that I've selected. I think I'll leave it up for a bit, but it is a bit too much for me.

We will be going to Cancer Treatment Centers of America, Illinois, in late March. We'll be flying out the day before our appointments begin. So far I know that our first day will be spent getting to know the facility and staff, getting registered and getting the rest of our appointments scheduled for the week.

CTCA paid for our round trip airline tickets. They also made arrangements for us to room at a local "big name" motel for a terrific rate. We get a limo ride from O'Hare to the motel. Shuttle service will be provided each day to the facility and back. We also get meal vouchers for our meals each day.

I paid off another credit card this morning! That leaves one more and my student loan and then I"m officially debt free. It took me just over 5 years to get this one paid off. It's been a longgggg time coming.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

What a week!

Man... this week has been loaded with activity.

I met with my oncologist this week. He's going to have the pathologist that reviewed my most recent biopsy to rewrite the report so that it reflects correct information. Basically, if something tests positive for "neoplasm" (cancer), then it cannot be "negative" for cancer.

You ever feel like your life was a washing machine on spin cycle and you were the single towel in the load making the machine go thump thump thump as it wildly roamed around the laundry room floor?

The oncologist is also going to email the surgeon to find out why he cannot/will not go in to remove the most recent "negative" spot located and biopsied near my liver. He is also going to look into two other forms of therapy.

One is stereo tactic radiation. (Please note, I more than likely have this term incorrect). This allows pin-point radiation to a specific spot. This is done at either UC Davis or UC San Francisco. He will be emailing two colleges to confirm and make arrangements for this to possibly happen.

The other is radio frequency ablation. (Thanks Anjie!). This is pretty much the same deal, but uses radio frequency instead of radiation.

The surgeon phoned yesterday and he has a colleague at Stanford who is willing to do a endoscopic ultrasound biopsy. In English: a throat cam with an ultrasound device attached. Whoo hoo!

Cancer Treatment Centers of America has been working with me and it looks like we'll be going to Chicago in late March to meet with their staff. My local oncologist supports this decision to get another opinion and options, but he did say that this "for profit" organization will do "wallet biopsies". That is, they may run tests that may or may not be necessary in order to create bill-able items. I guess they have to pay for the plane ticket they are providing us somehow.

I've been volunteering at the local "not for profit". That has been VERY satisfying. I'm still in "job shadow" mode and that has been going so well. It's nice to get out of the house, and the hours are just right.

I made a $300 error on my Federal taxes. I get more on my refund! Holy smoke! That never happens.

I paid off another credit card this morning! That was a terrific feeling.

I having breakfast with my dad on Friday. It'll be nice to spend a t little father/son time with him.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

You must be this tall to ride this roller coaster....

Ok, it's just about 4 AM. I've been up since 3. It's taken me nearly a week to digest my last visit to the surgeon to be able to actually write something about it. Hopefully, getting it down in words will get me to a point that I can actually sleep an entire night, or perhaps even sleep an entire night in my bed. Some nights I have to go try the couch because my back hurts or my head hurts or my stomach hurts.

Stress sucks!

We went to Stanford to see my surgeon as directed by my oncologist. We went taking with us great news about the negative results that had been obtained on my last liver biopsy. After a few meaningless words between the three of us, the surgeon stated his verdict. "You have cancer and there's nothing I can do surgically to extend your life. Don't get me wrong, I like to cut, it's what I do for a living, but there's nothing I can do for you."

Huh?! My biopsy came back negative, doesn't that mean something? His answer was, "none of the samples were diagnostic." Well... let me tell you... the first 2 were not diagnostic but the third one was. The third sample taken was reviewed by a number of doctors and was determined to be negative. But the surgeon had determined that based on my high marker and my last CT scan that I have cancer... no ifs ands or buts.

While I trust my surgeon with my life and truly think that he is a master in his craft... I think I'll stick with my oncologist and multiple reviewers of the "spot" discovered in my CT scan that was biopsied to be negative. Hopefully, going with the majority will at least help me keep my attitude right.

I made a phone call to Cancer Centers of America. I'll be working with them a bit soon, perhaps even flying out to there place in Arizona for a third opinion. We're working on that now.

I'm tired. Mentally, I'm beat. Physically, I hurt. Emotionally, I'm a wreck inside.

Today calls for sun and warm weather. I'm going to go to the park and find a spot near the creek with some sun, some water running over the rocks and try to empty my brain.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

The biopsy and what my mom didn't say...

Ok... first the good news. My biopsy came back negative. We're still going to Stanford for a second opinion (they'll probably tell me I'm ugly too)...

While mom and I were getting me prepped up for the biopsy, the RN taking down then information about me asked what my big ass scar was all about. I shared with her the liver resection.

What mom was thinking and didn't say, and I'm terribly glad she didn't...

"He had his head stuck so far up his ass they had to cut a window for him to see where he was going."

That's one for Bill Engvall, Here's Your Sign!