Friday, March 5, 2010

Things I learned during this tummy cam session...

Short form for this post: getting an EGD (tummy cam) while even mildly awake (somewhat sedated) is not fun.

Ok... here is the only warning you will receive. There will be adult content in the remainder of this post. If you are offended by adult content, I recommend coming back for future posts. This isn't XXX stuff, but there are some innuendos.

That said, here was my day yesterday and some things I learned.

Lesson 1: When your RN who is getting you prepped for your tummy cam worked at your local hospital first, don't allow him to reminisce. He will get all focused on the past, and not keep his mind on where he is, what he is doing. "You will feel a little prick here Mr. Carman... say! Do you remember Sins of Cortez?".... JAB POKE STICK!!!! Holy smoke, you are a little prick!... I mean... that was not a "little" prick. You bruised me big time ya big ox!

Lesson 2: "We will be spraying some stuff in your mouth that will taste like orange juice mixed with gas. It will prevent the gag reflex. While it tastes bad, you'll thank us for this." Hmm... I don't recall that stuff before... HEY! Wait just one minute, aren't I supposed to be out for this? "Yes. You will be mildly sedated, it makes it easier for us to direct you." So, the Cepacol on steroids did taste like orange juice and gas... and it worked... more on that next.

Lesson 3: Men have unrealistic expectations when it comes to certain activities they expect their girlfriend to participate in. "Please close your eyes Mr. Carman." Something big and slick gets jammed into my throat. "Please try to swallow Mr. Carman." Jeez Louise. I was expecting him to pinch my nose, slap my ass and pull my pony tail next.

Lesson 4: I now understand that I could not be a porn star. Please refer to lesson 3.

Lesson 5: While sedated, one tries to roll or move and feels many hands pressing down on you to prevent this. Talk about feeling like you are being gang raped!

The final lesson: My next EGD, if I ever have to do one, will be done in Paradise by Dr. K. Now he and his staff know how to do it right.

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